Hello! Its time for the next PhD Wednesdays! This post just barely made it, but its here. Its been a big couple of weeks for me, a committee meeting, having family in town, traveling, getting baptized (yay!), needless to say I have been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster. So this post is sufficiently emotional but its something I think all of us can relate to.
The biggest lesson I have learned during grad school is about identity and knowing who you are. Not designing experiments, writing papers, or teaching students. Its not even about the hard work, perseverance, or creativity you need to carry you through. The PhD is an odd experience because you are a student, employee, expert, novice, mentor and mentee all at the same time. Most of the time you're just figuring out when to be what, and how. On top of that research is full of failure, experiments don't work, hypotheses are wrong, reagents go missing, collaborators are unavailable, and there is always this nagging feeling that you're doing it all wrong. Many days and I look around and ask myself do I really belong here? I am I good enough? Why can't I be better, faster, smarter, more productive?
When that feeling comes it can be terrible, gnawing at your insides and eating away at your confidence. It happened to me shortly after my first year of grad school. I had spent my life working toward this goal of becoming a scientist and doing independent research, and now that I had started, it wasn't working out. The learning curve was steep, and I was struggling. I also realized that I probably wouldn't follow the traditional path of becoming a researcher at a drug company or university. And I was forced to ask myself, "What now?" "What will I do?" "Where will I go?" How will I deal with the shame of not achieving my goals?
If I had understood my true identity this realization may not have been so devastating. But I didn't, and in a panic I tried to find a new identity. If I wasn't the best scientist, I would find something else to be the best at and do it quickly. And for awhile this worked, I started an organization for other students who weren't following traditional career paths, I started networking, and making a name for myself outside of the lab. I felt good. The problem was that I felt empty doing it, and because it was all I had anything or anyone that threatened my new identity was an enemy. Trust me this is no way to live.
On a particularly rough day, it dawned on me. This career, this PhD, this organization, God doesn't care about any of it, and none of it is going to get me into heaven. God does not stand at the gates of heaven checking resumes for leadership skills and completed degrees. This may sound trivial, obviously! But when your identity is so wrapped in something of this world, threats to that identity can be anything but trivial. Your worth and self-esteem is tied to how well you do, how much others approve of you, or how many goals you can achieve. I realized, that through a relationship with God my only duty was to follow him. Something that is the same today, tomorrow and forever. My self-worth now comes from my identity as His daughter and not from my own accomplishments (whew!).
And just like that I was free from the burden of performing. Free from living up to a standard that wasn't my own and that always seemed to be changing. Now, don't get me wrong, I absolutely struggle with identity. But I have power knowing that before my feet ever hit the ground God is pleased with me as his daughter. Now I have hope to cling to, knowing that God is faithful to take care of me, no matter how many papers I have, how long it takes me to finish or how many experiment don't work.
This post could be called He is enough, because its through Him that we are enough. In reality, you are not enough, He is. But that is a wonderful truth to live in. I pray that you will find peace on the hard days through this truth.
No comments:
Post a Comment